Here we go again

But where, after we have made the great decision to leave the security of childhood and move on into the vastness of maturity, does anybody ever feel completely at home?

~ A Circle of Quiet, Madeleine L'Engle ~

If someone had told me that before I decided to embark on my college adventure on a different continent or before I decided to leave what had become comfortable there and return to that original home-place for a semester, I might not have gone through with either of them. It makes me think about whether I really want to put myself through it again in just about 24 hours.

The truth is that I hate the feeling of being the outsider and having to re-adjust to everything around me. It is uncomfortable and I would probably do a lot to avoid being in that place ever again if I could and it made any sense at all.

They say that you only ever realize who you are where you have other people to compare yourself to. You are only seen as "you" (by yourself and others) if there are others around who are unlike you. Otherwise you don't stand out and are not distinguishable from the mass.
What I've come to realize is that it is exactly those uncomfortable moments and those hard adjustment experiences in life that make me grow. Without them, I would not know so much about who I am. I would have nothing to compare myself to and thus would not know what I am like, what I enjoy, how I feel.

Looking from a life time view, these times are good and educational. It's only while you're in the moment that it's rough.

So in some ways I'm not at all looking forward to leaving this home that I've become rather fond of again and having to get used to the other home all over again. In fact, I've already gone through the thought process of "The university wasn't that bad. I'm sure it would be fine. I could live at home. I've got some friends around here..." But I know that leaving is the next, sensible step (not just because I've already payed for the ticket) and there are also many aspects that I am looking forward to, so I'm sure I'll be ok. It's just that I don't like the in between phase of not feeling at home anywhere.

Here I go again.